How to Write a Letter to the President

How to write a letter to the President:

The Golden rule of letter writing is to be as rude as possible.

You are Right. And The President is Wrong.

This is important, because the president obviously didn't get to being the president without a great smile and muscled pecks. If you had those things, you'd be president too, but unfortunately you only have your keen fundamentalist mind and the boatloads of lobbyists that campaign on your behalf.

Ask For Money.

The president has no idea how hard you work in your daily life. You deserve a nice cushy break so that you can think about what's wrong with this country. So make sure that you insist that the big man himself takes time out of his busy schedule to personally intervene with financial assistance. I mean, come on, have you seen how inefficient Social Security Is?

Call Him a Muslim.

Because if you repeat it enough times, it has to be true. Also, take a picture of yourself and send it the letter with the words, "Come and Get me, ASSHOLE!". I know the point is to be as rude as possible, but it's only courteous to provide an easy face to match. We wouldn't want them sending an innocent man to abu ghraib.

And That's How you Do It.

Everyone knows that being president is the easiest Job in the book. It's important to remind him of that so that he can fix all the massive problems in this country that no one wants to fix themselves.